A Beginning

Here I am. I don’t like the idea of writing a blog. I feel the dangers of solipsism lurking in the shadows. But, I like the idea of writing a journal detailing the beginning of our life with C, thinking that it could become a nice way for us to remember this blessed time and for her to see it through our eyes. So, here I am.

Obviously, I’ve already failed in my stated goal, given that C is almost six months. I think I should start by relating the story of her birth. I’m sorry for those of you who have already read through it or listened to it all.

After waiting for C to decide to come for a full two weeks, we decided to induce. Two weeks is the maximum anybody I know, doctor or midwife, will wait. So Paul and I headed to the hospital on Thursday night. They checked me, I was still at 1 cm, too small to even strip my membranes (my doctor had tried already two or three days before and failed). They put a Cervadil in to ripen the cervix. It was to stay in for 12 hours. Since I was GBS positive I had to have a shot of antibiotics and so was hooked to the IV and to the monitor right away. The morning crew told me that I should have been allowed to get disconnected from those during the night, after I had already spent the night on them. Grrrr. Anyway, stronger contractions started that night. Strong enough to make me moan, but not enough to wake Paul up. (He was sleeping in that tiny folding chair they have at the hospital and snoring quite noisily.) I sat on the ball at least half the night, rocking. I was excited and happy to finally be feeling real contractions. They checked me in the morning: 1 cm. But they said that my cervix was soft so they started the Pit. The contractions then became intense and painful, the way Pitocin induces them. I had two awesome friends there, Ruth and Alyssa, helping me through the contractions. I used the ball, was on the floor, on all-four, etc, etc. I also "vocalized" (ie screamed) a lot. It was a pretty intense day. I used most of the techniques I had learned in books, yoga class and birthing class. We also prayed the rosary, the sorrowful mysteries since it was Friday. Appropriate. Some of the contractions made me feel like I couldn't do it anymore, but I did. Then they checked me at 7pm: 1cm. Can you imagine? I was not supposed to be induced! I was not supposed to have a hard labor! I was supposed to birth my daughter naturally and in less than 10 hours for sure! I cried so hard! If you've tried crying through contractions you know that it's not that easy... We decided to stop the Pit at about 10pm, so I could get some sleep and start again the next day. The contractions weren't stopping though so I asked for some pain medication to help me sleep and got about 4 hours of peace.

We restarted the Pit at 5am. I felt fresh and ready to battle! The contractions started being very intense right away and the first time they checked me I was at 2 cm! Progress! Then 4 cm at about noon! When we prayed the joyful mystery, I was ready to stop at the Nativity and contemplate it until I gave birth to my own child! By that time though, the contractions were so intense, and I was so tired! The pain was not going away between contractions anymore and I could not relax at all. So I asked for the epidural. We then had a party in the room. All of a sudden, I could laugh! It was a great relief. I knew it was the right decision, I had been in labor for 36 hours already! Next check at about 4pm I was at 7 cm. We all thought that this was it, C would be born at about 7pm. This was transition starting, even though I couldn't feel it. That is, until I called a nurse to help me prop myself up a little. However, when doing so, the epidural detached and the nurse technician did not notice. Surprise! 30 minutes later I was actually experiencing transition... Pain and trembling and all. The actual nurse and the anesthesiologist were pissed at the technician. Anyway, I got more drugs and 30 minutes after I was back to no pain-ish. My left side did not take this time, so I had half contractions. Nothing would do, I just had to deal with it. They checked me again. I was hoping to be fully dilated, but I was still at 7cm, and C's head was only at -1. Mmmm. My temperature was also rising (they had broken my water sometime around 1pm) which meant that I was fighting an infection. At 10pm I had a fever and C's heart rate was higher than is desirable. They told me that if I was not ready to push at midnight I would have to have a C-section. For two hours, I sat/squat in bed, did hip circles and cat-cow's. At midnight I was almost fully dilated, just a little cervix remaining here and there, but she was still at -1!!! She did not want to come down. And her heart rate was still not good. So they prepped me and we went to the OR. I was given a spinal and basically crucified to the table. Your arms have to be out of the sterile portion, so you lay them straight out... yeah, weird feeling. Oh, and they had left the epidural run out and stopping the Pit did not stop the contractions, which means that the whole time the were prepping me I had huge contractions and was screaming with all my might. Screaming really does help! The coolest part of this, at least for me, was that I was able to see the surgery through its reflection on their big lamp. I saw them cut my skin and tissues, take out my huge uterus, cut it open and take C out! She came out screaming like a good baby and got two Apgar scores of 9, so she was all right. There was some meconium in the water though, that had not been there before. Both doctors said that sectioning had been the right decision given the meconium. I also saw them sow me back and then staple my skin together. It's good I don't mind the sight of needles and blood, imagine someone who can't stand it looking up and seeing themselves being cut open! I did mention it to my doctor afterwards, they might want to be more careful! I nursed C in the recovery room about 30 minutes after her birth. Feeling her little body against mine was like nothing else I've ever experienced...
So there, it wasn't my planned birth at all. A typical example of a cascade of medical interventions. I do think that we did everything we could and therefore don't really have any regrets. I am disappointed that I wasn't able to give birth to my child naturally, but I'm grateful for modern medicine, which allowed me to have a healthy little girl. We still don't exactly know why I would not dilate or why she would not come down. She was not too big and I had been super active the whole pregnancy. Everything was done right. This means that it could happen again with the next pregnancy. My doctor thinks I probably have a 60-70% VBAC chance. She also says that she has performed 5th and 6th C-sections on people. The risk of complications increases with each, but I would certainly be able to have a couple more kids, God willing. At this point, this is the only thing bugging me still: the fact that needing C-sections means that there is a limit on the number of children that it is safe for me to have. That limit, especially by the time we have a couple more, is probably higher than the number of children I would have, but you never know and I simply don’t like having that hanging over my head. I am determined to do even more, if possible, to avoid a section next time. I will consult a NAPRO specialist as soon as the JPII Center for Women opens and hope that, if my problems are due to a hormonal imbalance, they can be fixed.

This is enough for a first post I think! I will start telling the beginning of C’s life in another one, soon. Promised.