Becoming a toddler?

I can't believe I haven't written anything since September. Bad me, bad. And now I only have five minutes before I have to wake C up from her morning nap to head to my ballet class. So this will be a quick update.
We are all doing very well. I am happy to report that C sleeps much much better. I haven't had to use a "sleep technique" in many weeks. She now cries for anywhere between 30 seconds and 2 minutes when I put her down, then stops, having voiced her disagreement, and either falls asleep or proceeds to play for 30 minutes. If she chooses to play, I get a concert of coos, bah-bah-bahs, ahs and occasional mah-mahs on the baby monitor. Adorable indeed. Nights vary, she sometimes wakes up only once, sometimes twice, but it's not bad, really.
She now has seven teeth that I can see. I just only discovered the seventh on the top left yesterday and it might have a partner on the right that I missed. Teething pains haven't been bothering C much, or she is mighty stoic. In any case, teeth keep coming without drama.
C is all over the place, all the time. She crawls, pulls herself up, climbs and cruises. Her movements remind me more and more of a toddler's not a baby's anymore. She seems to be in control and to know what she wants to do. Yesterday, she would go and pick up a toy, then go and sit on daddy's lap to play with it. Then get bored and find another toy and repeat. Cute! She does not walk yet, but is trying to stand on her own. She lets go from time to time and is able to keep her balance for a couple of seconds.
Ooops, my time is up! I will try to come back and continue my account later!

Of No Sleep and Play

Since we have returned from our trip to Annapolis, C has not been the greatest sleeper. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it's because she's learning so much, maybe it's separation anxiety... Who knows? I have thought about every sleep technique I know: just picking her up and cuddling, putting her back down when she gets up (which she can now do easily), letting her cry for 3 minutes and going back to see her, then 5 minutes, then 7, etc., just plain letting her cry out... the problem is that I can't pick one! Right now, most often, she cries not when I put her down, but when I leave the room. Last night, I did the putting her back down technique for 30 minutes. It worked! And she never cried, because I never left. It was almost a game for her and actually amusing for me to watch. Of course, I remained very serious and avoided eye contact, which would really have made it into a game. She was really really tired and so would get onto all-four, crawl towards the crib rail and then collapse and rest her head for a second. Then she gets back up and pull herself to standing. I lay her back down. She takes a breather there, then gathers up her strength, rolls over and crawls to another rail, and so on. I really like the momentary collapses though, it's as if she's saying "this rail looks so high, I'm just going to rest my eyes a little, just a little..." Eventually she didn't get back up and I was able to sneak out to go watch the premiere of Grey's Anatomy, of which I had already missed 13 minutes. Ah, the sacrifices one has to make for a child. In the middle of the night, when she cried upon my departure from her room, I did not go back in to play the down game. I was too tired. Wishful thinking led me to wait for a moment in the hope that she would magically calm herself down. She did! Now, she probably wouldn't do that during the day, but at least I know that she can. An unforeseen happy consequence of C's lack of sleep is that P, good husband that he is, takes care of her in the morning from 6:30-8:00 and lets me sleep. I'm sure my feeling of gratitude is good for our marriage, but I have also noticed that C now reacts differently to him. I think that one-on-one time with her dad has made him really part of our family in her mind. Of course she loved him before, and showed it. She would always smiled when she saw him. But now there seems to be a sort of complicity between them. Yesterday, C and I were playing in the play yard when P entered the room. C giggled and fleed, crawling, already starting a game. She looked at him with a big grin and then crawled away as fast as she could again, giggling still. P picked her up and she immediately burst out laughing. It was really adorable. When I bring her into our bed in the morning, usually when I can't deal with her being awake yet but she can't deal with not being up yet, she now climbs us both. Up until now, she would only climb me, pull my hair, give me wet kisses, etc. while P slept blissfully. Now she does it to him too. She'll even put her little head down on his belly to rest a little before she starts using him as a drum again. It's beautiful!
One of these father-daughter mornings gave me a little heart attack though. P had been taking care of her while I snoozed and even managed to put her back in bed after she fell asleep in her high chair. She woke up sounding pretty happy at about 9:00 and I decided that I would try to grab breakfast before going to get her. She often plays in her crib for 20 minutes either before falling asleep or when she wakes up happy. All the while, I could hear her moving, probably pulling herself up and cruising along the rails of the crib. So when I finally went to get her, and saw that the drop side of the crib was down, I freaked a little. She was standing holding on to it, and it was lower than her waist!!! I don't blame P, it's really easy to forget and it's not that obvious when she's lying down, but we were very lucky that she didn't see something she wanted on the floor. Had she thrown her pacifier overboard the way she often does in play... Ooof, I don't want to think about it!
I had another heart attack earlier this week when our dear friend L was babysitting. I came back and we were chatting while C was playing in the yard. L took a step back and tripped on the yard fence. For a moment, she tried to catch her balance, while C was playing happily just under her... L finally fell in, I screamed... and nothing. L fell about an inch away from C, was apparently unhurt herself and so we just laughed in relief. Still... I think these two incidents were the first to really freeze my blood and send my imagination on an infinite loop of "what-ifs". I'm sure it will happen many more times!
On the developmental front, C is getting good enough at walking around coffee tables that a math professor, seeing her doing so in the math lounge, said: "I conjecture she will walk by ten months". If C does, it will be her first theorem, I guess. She'll be able to write a paper saying " I proved Prof. __'s conjecture!" Aaaaahh, mathematicians. C has recently mastered the going down from standing feat. No more boom on the tush! She bends her legs to squat and then sits. She's much happier with that! Especially since the Boom on the tush was often followed by a smaller, but more painful Boom of the head! She also really enjoys taking two objects in her hands and banging them together to make noise. She's started doing something between clapping and the sign for "more" when she is excited or wants something. She talks lots... Different consonants: B, D, G, M have appeared, but still only one vowel: A. She hasn't said mama or dada with intent yet. It will come! Maybe by the next post? She now opens boxes to find objects in them. I hide her pink Teddy Bear in the box, and she'll go open it to find him. She loves it if he then plays peekaboo and gives her kisses. That warrants much giggling. I have also filled a small box with a variety of things like measuring cups, a shoe, a bottle, etc. I'll open it very briefly to show her that there are things in it then casually leave it next to me. She'll quickly crawl over to open it herself and empty it of it's treasure. She remains very observant. She stops and watch other babies laugh or cry and respond to it appropriately. She'll observe toys move or make music, obviously trying to understand. When she can't, her favorite coping mechanism is avoidance. She has been doing that for a while now, maybe a month or two. I remember trying to get her to make bah-bah-bah sounds. She looked at me, move her mouth and then quickly find something else to pay attention to. She now does the same when there is a phenomenon that she doesn't understand. I wonder if she'll do the same with school assignments? It will be something to watch for!

Annapolis

For labor day, we all went to Annapolis to visit Nona and Dida. We had already been before in May for mother's day, but C was too young to care about such things as the puppies... Now she cares! A lot! Her first reaction was one of excitement, punctuated with her characteristic attempt at communication with babies and animals: hah. Of course, she was a little unsure at first, so she would stay close to me and pull away if Dixie tried to lick her. However, after dinner on Thursday, Dida started throwing cheerios at the dogs with C in his arms. The dogs were running down the length of the hallway to catch the treats. C first looked surprised and then, all of a sudden, burst out laughing. And I don't mean smiling, I mean a full out big throaty laugh! After that, the dogs were her friends, whether they wanted it or not! Beau was not feeling very well that weekend and therefore spent most of it avoiding the little monster trying to catch his tail. Dixie on the other hand seemed to feel very maternal and protective. She licked C who delighted in the tickle, let C pull herself up holding on to her, trying to catch her nose, etc. A very very well behaved dog!
The weekend was a very good one. We also hung out with Aunt K., Uncle N. and B. and ate much cheerios and Gerber cereal. She has become a complete cereal junkie. I don't mean the mushed kind, which we finally gave away. She just doesn't care for mush, unless she can spread it on the tray and on her face. But when they are solid, they are much sought after. It is that weekend that she started being demanding of her feeders. Before that, she had climbed on other mommies at playgroup in search of the cheerios bag, but had not yet asserted her right to being fed cheerios promptly the way she did it with Aunt K. As soon as some distraction slowed down the supply line, a ringing 'ah would come to rise the slacker (this is a distinct 'ah from the hah of communication). This has now been going on for a week! If not answered, the 'ah becomes louder, then more imperative, then there is banging on the table or the chair tray, then screams. My little angel has become a beast. I feel like the mother of a coke-head. We are trying to teach her to say "more" or "encore" accompanied by the sign for it. Yesterday, she actually did it! Well, ok, she was still in the middle of putting a fist full of cereal in her mouth, so I'm not sure whether she understands the meaning of the sign, but she definitely is practicing it. I think she'll soon get it; she should, with the amount of cheerios she eats a day! As long as we consistently do it ourselves before giving her more, we'll have a signing baby in no time.
On the mobility front, there is constant improvement. We received a super yard from neighbors and C quite enjoys cruising around the edge of it. Mommy can't go very far most of the time, but it still gives me a reprieve if I need to fold laundry or go to the bathroom. She pulls herself up very easily and wants to do it all the time. She'll take my hands, or someone else's if I'm not paying attention, to stand. She's not that good at taking steps yet, but is trying to let go of what she's holding on to stand by herself. She has also mostly abandoned her precrawl, where she kept a leg bent, usually in her skirts so that it would slide, and pushed with her other foot. She started moving like that so that she could easily sit back down. C always hated tummy time and her biggest obstacle to crawling at first was the fear of ending up on her tummy and being stuck there like a turtle on its back. She now crawls on all four like the babies in diaper commercials most of the time. She reverts to the weird one for short distances only.
She has been sleeping very badly for the past week, with stretches of at most 3 hours. Before this, she had been taking nice long nights of 6+6, 5+7. We don't know what is happening. I am afraid that my milk supply has diminished and that maybe she is hungry. I have been pumping less often with all our social engagements (we're quite the socialites of the 'hood now) and now when I do pump, I think I get less milk than I used too. I'm going to try to give her a bottle tonight after she stops nursing and see how that goes. If that helps, I might look into herbs to increase lactation and maybe even call our pediatrician and get domperidone.

Sleeping is relative. Music is optional.

Well, yes, you expected this. It could not go on so well like that forever, you say.
Yesterday was Jon and Meghan's wedding. It was probably one of the most beautiful ceremonies I have attended, including P and my own wedding. We were nowhere nearly as wise and prepared for marriage when we embarked upon this delightful adventure. However, despite all the truth and beauty and solemnity of the day, C was restless. She had a small morning nap and none other. Slept for 30 minutes during the wedding and another 30 during the reception. Not enough. She was in a good mood (read trying to leap off my arms, grabbing necklace and earrings, biting my shoulder, flirting with people behind me and blowing bubbles into my dress) as long as she was in my arms, but she would scream treason as soon as anyone else tried to hold her. Exception for her Godmother. She has curly hair, that's cool enough. So, when C woke up at 1:00am after going to bed at midnight, I thought she was still riled up. At 2:00, I just bemoaned her restlessness. At 3:00, I wasn't thinking anything at all. At 4:30 I hoped that perhaps that was it for that night. At 6:30, I wished I was dead and at 8:00, I sent daddy. Why? Why was she waking up so often all of a sudden? Was it just the excitement of the previous day? Was she cold? Annoyed by her sleeper? (it had been in the laundry for the past couple of nights, so she had simply slept in her pj's).
Then came the explanation. There is, in her crib, a musical toy. It predates her actually sleeping in her crib. It's from the good old times when she would use her crib only to play in, while mommy went to the bathroom or got a glass of water. This wonderful Baby Einstein toy, which plays real classical music, interpreted by real toy musical instrument and is really truly annoying to me, at least, has three different settings. "Off" is my favorite one. Then there is the "push the button and I'll play an excerpt of Mozart's 40th" setting. I like control; that's still ok. The third setting though, is where the peace and calm of our abode are shattered. It is the "baby makes the toy move and toy will play a song" mode. Someone who shall remain nameless and who took care of C for an hour on Saturday put it on mode three. For fun. And did not put it back to preferred mode one. And so, tonight, when C woke up for no good reason, I thought I heard something strange in the monitor. Something like baby toys trying to render emotionally deep and complex masterpieces. Could that be? It was. And an hour later, it was again. Now, I would love for C to learn how to sleep through excruciating musical concerts being performed an inch from her ear, but I also like my own sanity, so I bravely went into the dark room and turned the thing to mode one or two. I'm not sure which, but it is not on mode three anymore, I guarantee you. If I hear Mozart's 40th at two in the morning, it will be time to call the asylum. Barring that, maybe I'll sleep tonight. Mozart-less.

Someone is sleeping...

Can you guess who? Last week was a pretty hard one. Between trying to recover from our trip to Cincinnati, C being a little sick, a new babysitter, various meetings and birthday parties, we were kept busy and on the go the whole week. And it was HOT. Making-my-heart-long -for-those-20-below-zero-Quebec-winter-nights hot. These engagements were all a lot of fun, but the week was taxing on our petite puce. On us too, but who thinks about that anymore. Saturday night, C woke up at 1:30 after sleeping for 5 hours. On the "good" side of normal. When I leave our room to go to hers, I always lower the volume of the monitor so that daddy won't hear her cry, or me sing or anything else that might go on in C's room as I nurse her and put her back to bed. Then I suddenly woke up at 7:00, realizing that she hadn't woken up between 5:30 and 6:00 as usual. I jumped on the monitor and raised the volume. I did that so fast that now I don't know whether I really had forgotten to turn it back up or whether it had been up the whole time. I was confused, but tired enough that I just went back to sleep. C finally woke up at about 8:00. That's a really really good night. I still wonder whether we unconsciously let her "cry it out" because we couldn't hear her. She was happy in the morning, so in either case there shouldn't be any permanent damage.
Yesterday we finally came back home after spending the afternoon with friends, had a quiet dinner and then played with C in her room. She finally realized that the bars of her crib were ideal for pulling herself up. She can even let go of one hand now! She pulls herself up, or tries to, on everything! From our legs, to her bouncer, to the wobbly workout plastic pillow. She also loves to use her pacifier to explore. She bangs it on various surfaces to see what sound it makes, use it to "paint" things with drool (mmmm) and tries to hold on to it as she crawls and stands.
She went to bed very easily at 8:30, her daddy at 9:30 and myself at 10:30 after pumping, which turned out to be a very good idea. I had been in bed for about five minutes when I heard her whine. I got back up, went to her room and opened the door. Nothing. Not a sound, not a movement. I waited a little bit and went back to bed. I was awakened at 1:30 by a little cry again. This time I went to her door but didn't open it, and listened. No sound. I went back to bed. Finally, at 5:00 when she whined again I just went in and nursed her, knowing that she wouldn't make it through morning mass otherwise. She might have slept through that one too though. Still, that's a full night! 8:30 to 5:00! Now, this doesn't mean that we slept well. I don't know why daddy didn't, but I kept wondering whether she was crying and I couldn't hear her. I checked that the monitor was on at least fifteen times and every sound daddy made while sleeping woke me up. This night was in fact much worse than some nights when she cried every 2-3 hours. However, now that she's done it, if she ever does it again I should be calmer and sleep better. Perhaps...

Sick and Cuddly

Am I the only mom out there who actually enjoys a sick baby?
I know, this sounds bad, but hear me out. C is a little feverish and congested, nothing to be too worried about. It's just enough to make her tired and cuddly, just enough to force me to slow down and take care of her. She doesn't want to jump out of my arms as usual, doesn't squeal or shriek, simply she rests her little tired head on my breast and closes her eyes when she's done nursing. Soon enough the fever will be gone and she will want to crawl and grab that kleenex I left on the floor, climb on my not-yet-unpacked suitcase and laugh hysterically. I can't wait. But in the meantime, it's quiet here, and I enjoy the cuddles.

Ohio

This past weekend we did something I never would have believed I would be doing with an eight month old: we drove to Cincinnati. Yes, you are correct, it is a eleven hour drive, without stops. With appropriate breaks for lunch and dinner, nursing, gas, water and bathroom, it's more around fifteen hours. It was for a good reason, though: Br. G's first vows into the Dominican Order.
And so we left the city on Thursday morning, Fr.J, L, C and I. We finally arrived at the Cincinnati seminary, where we were to stay the first two nights, at one in the morning. We had an overall wonderful ride. C was an angel, sleeping most of it, but also looking out the window, being very active when we stopped at restaurants to eat, playing with her rattle, etc. She didn't cry once. She didn't eat as much as usual though and I therefore got a little engorged. She wasn't too happy to be awake to be changed and put into her bed at one in the morning, but fell asleep very fast and woke up only once, despite the pretty noticeable creaking of my bed. She even let me sleep in until 7:00 and played in her bed while I showered. Our "guest suite" had two rooms: a little parlor with a couch and a desk, and then the bedroom itself. It might have been bigger than P and my first apartment in NY! It was carpeted and so C felt comfortable honing her crawling skills. She can definitely get herself around now, using one foot to push and one knee for stability. Not the most efficient mode of transportation, but it allows her to go back to a sitting position quickly when a toy falls from the sky or when a light needs inspection. She is also very determined to learn how to crawl on her hands and feet. You know, the bear walk. My bootcamp trainer had us do that in circles for a while and my whole body ached for a week. Are babies masochistic? Maybe she wants toned legs. In any case, she can now raise herself onto her feed, but not quite move them in that position yet.
On Friday morning we went to Gethsemani, KY, where St. Thomas Merton lived. St. Thomas was a Cistercian monk, but also a Columbia alum, so good manners assert that we should feel a distinct interest for him. No, really, he was a pretty interesting dude. However, there was not much at the abbey other than a gift shop, a little movie about Cistercians and the chapel. The most naked, empty Catholic church I have ever seen. There is nothing on the white-washed walls, nothing on the ceiling, the ground is cement and even the organ, altar and tabernacle are as bare as can be. We also got a special permission to go and visit his burial site. Obviously, visitors are asked to keep silent everywhere but in the gift shop. C obeyed that command at about 80%. I was a little worried that they would ask me to leave, but nobody said anything.
We were back at the Dominican priory in Cincinnati for vespers after which we all went to dinner, followed by complines. It was a good day, but it ended with me incredibly engorged. It was very painful and I hadn't brought my pump, thinking it would be unnecessary. How wrong I was! We therefore stopped by a Walgreen where I bought a small hand pump. Now I have two of those and use them very rarely, but I don't think I would have been able to sleep otherwise. On Saturday, Br.G picked me up at the seminary at 6:15 (yes, am) so that C and I could attend lauds while our brave drivers would rest and sleep in. I must say that all the offices were truly beautiful. The brothers have very nice and warm voices, were singing without frills but with confidence. It made it easy and natural to pray with them. There was more hanging out after lauds during which something extraordinary happened. Another brother was chatting with Br.G and I and waving at C, who suddenly returned the gesture. I thought it was coincidental, but she repeated it a couple of times so that it was unmistakable. She waved. She's a genius. Now, ok, I don't think she knows what the movement means, she was just imitating, but still. Genius.
Then there was the actual Profession mass. It was a wonderful two hours. We happened to be sitting in the very front, and there was a family with four or five kids right behind us. C enjoyed that a lot, did a little sleeping and a little singing. The ceremony was beautiful, solemn and with something almost mystical. I was thankful for the privilege of attending it, for looking on it almost gave me the impression of invading these brothers' privacy. You might have had the same feeling at a wedding perhaps. The impression of being invited into something much much bigger than you, something to which you're not sure you belong?
That evening we drove to Zanesville where the Dominican priory at which we were staying was, wondered at the poverty of this town, had dinner and crashed. C slept pretty well, again, but the delightful sound of the church bells for the first morning mass woke us up. After mass and breakfast, Sunday was spent in an uneventful drive back.
During this weekend, C also had much time to practise new language skills since she was strapped in her car seat much of the time. She is now good at bah-bah's, tha-tha's and sometimes mah-mah's. No intentional words yet, of course, it's just experimentation at this point. But it will come soon!

Of Success and Victory...

...or absence thereof. Of course, I cried victory prematurely. C's nights have been all but restful. She has been waking up five to six times a night for the past three days! What's up with that? Maybe it's because she has discovered she could roam in her crib and uses that ability to the fullest. When she cries during the night and I enter the dark room, I never know where in her crib she will be. I have to pat around in search of limbs, then play a kind of physical puzzle: "if this is her left hand, given its angle, she's probably on her side and I should find another arm....Here!". Sometimes she's on her belly, sometimes on her back, sometimes sitting, sometimes on her hands and knees. She's occasionally managed to get a limb stuck between the bars of the crib too. Now, very smart people in books have told me that to increase time between night feedings, I should try to calm her down and put her back to sleep without nursing her. These smart peoples have not met my daughter. Not picking her up is not an option. If she sees me and I don't pick her up, her world collapses. I do not want social services to be alerted. So I pick her up and try to rock her. But she's strong now! She pushes herself so as to be able to get to my breast and tries suckling through my tank top. Yeah. Determined is one word for it. She does go back to sleep very easily after nursing though, so I'll stick to that for now, I think. Maybe she'll get used to her new bed, or learn to put herself back to sleep? She does a good job of putting herself to sleep for naps; I haven't needed to rock her for a month now. Who knows? She is also getting more mommy-attached, which might explain sleep problems too... In any case, I haven't thrown her out the window (or defenestrated her, for defenestration lovers) yet, and that is a testimony to something...The power of love, her cuteness, the presence of child guards in the windows? Always thought those were there to prevent kids from defenestrating themselves... Live and learn...

Sleeping Alone

Petite Puce has now spent two nights in her crib in her own room. Much hopes and expectations, as well as fears and worries had been put on that event. The first night, when she called at 3:45 am, I quickly (ok, well, you know, it was 3:45 am) computed that it had been 7.5 hours since we had put her in bed! Not unprecedented, but very welcome. That's until I actually picked her up to nurse her and realized that she was really toasty. She had had shots the day before and had been sleepy the whole previous afternoon as a result, and here was a fever. There goes mommy trying to find the ear thermometer, taking two bags situated more or less where said thermometer and its little cone things were supposed to be, going out of the room to turn on the lights, looking for the instructions to the thermometer among the pile of similar leaflets and "sneaking" back into the room to take C's temp. Mom then goes back out to read the results, tries to find the baby book because at 3:55am she can't remember what's considered a fever for an infant of 7-8 months and when she's supposed to panic and call the poor sleeping doctor. 100.4F is declared not enough to panic, so she goes back to bed, if not to sleep. In the morning, C's fever is a little worse (101.5F) so the doctor is called at a reasonable hour and reassures mommy. The little oven spent most of the day sleeping and somewhat unhappy, but by the evening, she had no more fever and was playing with daddy quite nicely. It was good to see that smile and those little laughing eyes, and to hear those giggles again.
Here comes night two of C sleeping in her own room, WITHOUT a fever this time. She woke up for the first time at 3:00am, more than 7 hours after going to sleep. It might be a little premature, but I'm very tempted to call it a success! Assignement: Toys or no toys in the crib? Discuss!

Mobility

Mobility is the name of the game now. We retired the co-sleeper today, after finding C on all four at the end of it. Knowing that she already tries to pull herself up, it was too dangerous. She gets on her knees, pushes with her feet to a plank position, drops down and thus gains a few inches. She can also creeps on her belly by pushing with her toes. She can rotate and roll-over... No toes are safe from being chewed, she likes ours as much as hers! Yesterday she also got back to a sitting position from her stomach, in front of Nona and Dida. She likes an audience! We spent almost three weeks with Bon-Papa and Bonne-Maman in Quebec. It was a wonderful vacation. They were able to see C learn new tricks, improve her reach from the sitting position, become more social, engaging in "conversations" where she actually expects her interlocutor to answer back, start eating new things such as grapes, olives, madarins, etc. in her mesh feeder. We hiked near the chalet with me wearing her on my back while she looked at the path passing by, the tree leaves moving in the wind and the colorful flowers of the fields. We went to the Summer Festival to see Shilvi, a kid's singer, who fascinated C and made her squeal and squeal. There was also a toddler girl behind us who threw a tantrum. C seemed puzzled and distressed by it and even after the little girl recovered, C would glance in her direction every couple of minutes. She also had a blast with LA, a little one year old daughter of a friend of mine. They both wanted to touch each other's ears, eyes, noses, etc. C would very much have liked being able to follow LA who crawls like an Olympic sprinter, but she was stuck sitting, waving her arms and squealing. We skyped with Daddy who went back home after the first weekend and C seemed to recognize him. She stayed on her stomach and talked to him for a good twenty minutes. When we got back to the city and she saw her dad, she was ecstatic. Ever since (it's been almost two weeks) she laughs at everything he does, flirts with him by inclining her head and giving him a charming shy smile and babbles at him. When she wakes up in the morning, if she sees him she immediatly taps her feet, waves her arms and giggles. A lot is happening very fast, it's dizzying. I'm hesitant to still call C a baby...

From April to June

April brought us to the end of Lent. What a wonderful Holy Week, Triduum and Easter we had! I had C with me all the time! We went to all the services, Tenebrae etc., went to Adoration in the middle of the night on Holy Thursday, went to the three-hour-long Easter Vigil followed by the reception in the basement of the church followed by drinks at the Abbey Pub... I remember her blowing bubbles during the Good Friday service. It was a good reminder for me to remain down to Earth if I had had a tendency of becoming emotional. Not that the emotional is not good, but her humorous attitude helped me live the Triduum in a very different way. I knew I could not completly concentrate, I could not lose myself in prayer and cry, I could not think deep deep intellectual thoughts about Christ's gift to us. Instead, I had to be content just being there with my little one. And offering all my life to the Man dying for us, having no real penitence or recollection to offer. It was good, very good.
In May, for Mother's Day, we all went down to Annapolis. Grandma Harriett also made it there, which made the weekend extra-special. While there, in an unnecessary attempt at impressing her public, C adorned herself with two little teeth and rolled over a couple of times. Needless to say, said public was delighted. C also gained everybody's pity by having a little nasty cough, which got her some Motrin, a lot of attention and special nightime rocking. It quickly went away and in no way revented her from smiling and laughing. She was also pretty much sitting by herself by that time, although I would definitely not have left her sitting on the edge of a precipice. The frequency of something needing to be looked at making balance a secondary concern causing dramatic headplants was still far too great.
I don't remember exactly when she started squealing. I do remember though that for a day or two that's all we could hear. Every event of our daily life was punctuated by screams as high-pitched as physically possible. Sometimes they're so high-pitched I can't hear them. I'm pretty sure dogs do. The squeals are used to show excitment at moving leaves, joy at seeing a breast being uncovered, sadness at having, yet again, fallen unto one's back, irritation at being swaddled and more. Definitly an interesting change from C's previous monotone middle E tuned voice.
I'm also sad to report that Mr. Octopus got forgotten sometime during those weeks with the acqusition of a new friend, Cool Dude the Giraffe. After having even mastered the putting of the foot inside the orange ring of Mr. Octopus and shaking him thus, we were done. Cool Dude the Giraffe offers more possibilities of ear chewing, bell ringing, general noisy shaking and color admiring. We're still working on all of those.
Maybe this is also the place to report the start of our Mommy & Me yoga classes. I had two goals in mind when I went to the studio: first to get in better shape and second to meet other moms from the neighborhood. I think I can say that the first goal has been achieved, or is on its way. As to the second goal, I admit a complete defeat. I'm the only one in the class! C and I still have fun though, especially since she's been able to sit. Her favorite yoga poses are the forward folds where mommy's hair comes close enough to grab and pull.

From December to March

Yes, this is a big leap, but I can't remain in the past forever! And so, here are memories from the first four months or so, "en vrac":
I remember Christmas, our first Christmas as our own family! We all went to midnight mass and hung out at Ford Hall drinking egg nog, hot chocolate and mint schnaps until very late... it was great! Paul and I had sushi on Christmas eve and pates, cheese and cold cuts on Christmas night. We even had our own little tree. Lovely! C behaved like a newborn through all this: she slept. We were trying to take pictures of her with her gifts under the tree, but they had to be pictures of her sleeping under the tree!
I also remember our ministry meetings on Tuesday morning at the rectory of Notre-Dame. C started by sleeping through them like she slept through everything, but little by little, it was harder to handle her. It became a little easier as I became more skilled at this whole breastfeeding thing. Thanks here to Constanza who will remain my breastfeeding idol! I was truly inspired by seeing her nursing R while walking around, talking to friends and scolding MG. That's multi-tasking for you!
After most of those ministry meetings, I would stop by the office to say hi to Sylvia who seems to appreciate C's visits a lot still. I especially remember C at 6 weeks cooing and smiling non-stop at Sylvia until she (Sylvia, not C) was crying.
Then there was California! We went to the bay area mainly to visit Walter, C's Great-Great-Grand-Father who is 101. What a special moment! He held her and she took his finger, to his great delight. You don't see a five generation bridge like that everyday... We took this opportunity to visit with Great-Grandma Harriett as well, who was delighted, as well, and with Tante Dominique, Oncle Christian and cousins. Carmen quickly found out how to make C burst out laughing, which she had just started doing. Kids somehow understand each other. Gabrielle seemed very intrigued by her little cousin and we had to keep reminding her to be gentle: "Tout doux Gabrielle, tout doux."
Finally, C's baptism. It was beautiful, of course, not because of anything we did, but because of the obvious abundance of grace. What could be more beautiful than God claiming my little one as His own? Many people made the trip and it was a very joyous feast!
Through these first three months, C slept great! She had an established 5+4 hours sleeping pattern until California where the schedule got a lot less regular. I suspect she started teething around that time too. The faucets opened and my little one, who had never even needed a bib before, started drooling and drooling. Between cradle scalp, eyes full of buggers and drool all over, she was a really cute baby!

The First Days

I will continue relating the beginning of C's life and eventually, hopefully, will catch up to present times. Please humor my flashbacks for now, will you?
After the adventure of her birth, C's was understandably tired and slept for pretty much the whole following day. She just met with her Godmother, who was asleep on a couch outside the OR, before retiring for bed. Daddy wheeled her out of the room, introduced her with the emotion and extravagance that are so typical of him: "Here's da baby." Then we all crashed. Or at least C and I, while Daddy went back home on the subway (he refused to take a cab even though it was about 3:00am!) where he met my parents and his mom all waiting for news. That was the zeroth day. Yes, they start counting at zero. Like computer scientists. Weird...
The rest of the stay in the hospital was fortunately uneventful. I looked terrible and was not allowed to shower before day two because of the staples holding me together. Recall that I had been in labor for two and a half day before that, which means that I was covered in pretty much everything a human boday can excrete. I still resent those pictures, though I could at least blame the smell on C. She had to spend the last 24 hours of our stay getting a tan due to the very pretty yellow hue of her skin, but I was allowed to go see her and nurse her whenever I wanted. We got acquainted pretty fast and I only despaired trying to nurse her a couple of times, and I don't think I cried at all. Amazing. I finished grading my students' problem sets in the mornings there since I was invariably awakened at 5:00 by doctors or nurses doing rounds, taking my temperature, etc. C's bilirubin levels having returned to normal, we were all sent home on Wednesday, finally.
I can not be grateful enough to my parents for staying with us and helping. They did everything! I started taking walks right away, not wanting to remain an invalid any longer. These walks probably greatly exercised my parents' patience since they proceeded at the speed of a procession. I mean a solemn procession, not the ones you see young priests run at the beginning of mass in parishes where the attention span of the faithful is deemed extremely short. Nursing was very painful and our second night at home was terrible. C's would not latch on and cried disconsolately and I didn't know what to do! Daddy tried cup feeding (I fortunately had pumped some milk during the day), but that's not easy either! It was only that one night though. From then on, C settled into a 5+4 hours night rythm which was very agreeable to everybody. She also decided that crying was not necessary since I was sleeping right next to her, so she would just make little noises to wake me and tell me she was hungry. She went to daily mass right away and instantly made a lot of new friends there! She has since always been really good in church. She doesn't sleep through mass anymore, but she very rarely cries or fusses. Very quickly, she started wanting to hold her head when in the burping position. Since she was very unstable at first, we had a lot of baby head to mommy nose encounters... I learned to turn my face away or shield it. I remember those first days as being filled with joy. I remember going to bed and looking at that little person sleeping in the co-sleeper and not being able to believe how good God was. I would put my hand on her little belly to make sure she was still breathing and feeling her all warm and peacefull would fill my heart with love, and my breasts with milk... Those usually come together. Well, in those days, my breasts would spew milk pretty much anytime they felt they could. Trying to get dressed after a shower without putting milk all over my clean clothes became my new hobby, as well as nocturnal avoidance of wet spots on the sheets and subtle shirt inspections for dark circles. The joys of motherhood!

A Beginning

Here I am. I don’t like the idea of writing a blog. I feel the dangers of solipsism lurking in the shadows. But, I like the idea of writing a journal detailing the beginning of our life with C, thinking that it could become a nice way for us to remember this blessed time and for her to see it through our eyes. So, here I am.

Obviously, I’ve already failed in my stated goal, given that C is almost six months. I think I should start by relating the story of her birth. I’m sorry for those of you who have already read through it or listened to it all.

After waiting for C to decide to come for a full two weeks, we decided to induce. Two weeks is the maximum anybody I know, doctor or midwife, will wait. So Paul and I headed to the hospital on Thursday night. They checked me, I was still at 1 cm, too small to even strip my membranes (my doctor had tried already two or three days before and failed). They put a Cervadil in to ripen the cervix. It was to stay in for 12 hours. Since I was GBS positive I had to have a shot of antibiotics and so was hooked to the IV and to the monitor right away. The morning crew told me that I should have been allowed to get disconnected from those during the night, after I had already spent the night on them. Grrrr. Anyway, stronger contractions started that night. Strong enough to make me moan, but not enough to wake Paul up. (He was sleeping in that tiny folding chair they have at the hospital and snoring quite noisily.) I sat on the ball at least half the night, rocking. I was excited and happy to finally be feeling real contractions. They checked me in the morning: 1 cm. But they said that my cervix was soft so they started the Pit. The contractions then became intense and painful, the way Pitocin induces them. I had two awesome friends there, Ruth and Alyssa, helping me through the contractions. I used the ball, was on the floor, on all-four, etc, etc. I also "vocalized" (ie screamed) a lot. It was a pretty intense day. I used most of the techniques I had learned in books, yoga class and birthing class. We also prayed the rosary, the sorrowful mysteries since it was Friday. Appropriate. Some of the contractions made me feel like I couldn't do it anymore, but I did. Then they checked me at 7pm: 1cm. Can you imagine? I was not supposed to be induced! I was not supposed to have a hard labor! I was supposed to birth my daughter naturally and in less than 10 hours for sure! I cried so hard! If you've tried crying through contractions you know that it's not that easy... We decided to stop the Pit at about 10pm, so I could get some sleep and start again the next day. The contractions weren't stopping though so I asked for some pain medication to help me sleep and got about 4 hours of peace.

We restarted the Pit at 5am. I felt fresh and ready to battle! The contractions started being very intense right away and the first time they checked me I was at 2 cm! Progress! Then 4 cm at about noon! When we prayed the joyful mystery, I was ready to stop at the Nativity and contemplate it until I gave birth to my own child! By that time though, the contractions were so intense, and I was so tired! The pain was not going away between contractions anymore and I could not relax at all. So I asked for the epidural. We then had a party in the room. All of a sudden, I could laugh! It was a great relief. I knew it was the right decision, I had been in labor for 36 hours already! Next check at about 4pm I was at 7 cm. We all thought that this was it, C would be born at about 7pm. This was transition starting, even though I couldn't feel it. That is, until I called a nurse to help me prop myself up a little. However, when doing so, the epidural detached and the nurse technician did not notice. Surprise! 30 minutes later I was actually experiencing transition... Pain and trembling and all. The actual nurse and the anesthesiologist were pissed at the technician. Anyway, I got more drugs and 30 minutes after I was back to no pain-ish. My left side did not take this time, so I had half contractions. Nothing would do, I just had to deal with it. They checked me again. I was hoping to be fully dilated, but I was still at 7cm, and C's head was only at -1. Mmmm. My temperature was also rising (they had broken my water sometime around 1pm) which meant that I was fighting an infection. At 10pm I had a fever and C's heart rate was higher than is desirable. They told me that if I was not ready to push at midnight I would have to have a C-section. For two hours, I sat/squat in bed, did hip circles and cat-cow's. At midnight I was almost fully dilated, just a little cervix remaining here and there, but she was still at -1!!! She did not want to come down. And her heart rate was still not good. So they prepped me and we went to the OR. I was given a spinal and basically crucified to the table. Your arms have to be out of the sterile portion, so you lay them straight out... yeah, weird feeling. Oh, and they had left the epidural run out and stopping the Pit did not stop the contractions, which means that the whole time the were prepping me I had huge contractions and was screaming with all my might. Screaming really does help! The coolest part of this, at least for me, was that I was able to see the surgery through its reflection on their big lamp. I saw them cut my skin and tissues, take out my huge uterus, cut it open and take C out! She came out screaming like a good baby and got two Apgar scores of 9, so she was all right. There was some meconium in the water though, that had not been there before. Both doctors said that sectioning had been the right decision given the meconium. I also saw them sow me back and then staple my skin together. It's good I don't mind the sight of needles and blood, imagine someone who can't stand it looking up and seeing themselves being cut open! I did mention it to my doctor afterwards, they might want to be more careful! I nursed C in the recovery room about 30 minutes after her birth. Feeling her little body against mine was like nothing else I've ever experienced...
So there, it wasn't my planned birth at all. A typical example of a cascade of medical interventions. I do think that we did everything we could and therefore don't really have any regrets. I am disappointed that I wasn't able to give birth to my child naturally, but I'm grateful for modern medicine, which allowed me to have a healthy little girl. We still don't exactly know why I would not dilate or why she would not come down. She was not too big and I had been super active the whole pregnancy. Everything was done right. This means that it could happen again with the next pregnancy. My doctor thinks I probably have a 60-70% VBAC chance. She also says that she has performed 5th and 6th C-sections on people. The risk of complications increases with each, but I would certainly be able to have a couple more kids, God willing. At this point, this is the only thing bugging me still: the fact that needing C-sections means that there is a limit on the number of children that it is safe for me to have. That limit, especially by the time we have a couple more, is probably higher than the number of children I would have, but you never know and I simply don’t like having that hanging over my head. I am determined to do even more, if possible, to avoid a section next time. I will consult a NAPRO specialist as soon as the JPII Center for Women opens and hope that, if my problems are due to a hormonal imbalance, they can be fixed.

This is enough for a first post I think! I will start telling the beginning of C’s life in another one, soon. Promised.